Short Pause

So over this short period of time, I've began accumulating a number of readers and a number of posts.

And before I go any further and begin writing about a new and very vital chapter in my life, I'd like to make known a few recurring thoughts I've had since I began reflecting and blogging.

I don't consider myself someone who "knows it all" or has "done it all". Honestly, I truly believe that what I know is nothing. What I don't know is infinite. Quoted from an astronomer. The thing I find sick about society is the way people identify each other among other things. We identify each other by race, orientation, gender, class, appearance, etc. Not that I'm saying I don't immediately make generalizations when I met people. I do. As a matter of fact, you'll find me blatantly joking racistly almost all the time. Acceptable only when acceptable. (Like don't tell black jokes to a black guy, right?) But I give myself credit for giving everyone a chance to prove me wrong. If I don't enjoy it, I figured the other person doesn't either.

After taking an online personality assessment, the results showed that I was a perfect 50% neurotic (~6 months ago), a generally normal person with only slight risk of having histrionic disorder. And so I'll probably contradict myself with I'm about to say a million times over, but here goes my ego.

So when I identify myself, I'd like to not identify myself as a young, Chinese girl who grew up in the U.S.A. Look at my profile; there's nothing about race or 'culture' mentioned. Because (in my opinion) in this globalizing world, it means nothing. I'm an individual. I was born with things I can and cannot change. And you know what? I don't give a rat's ass about what I have no control over.

It's hard for all of us to control what we have been conditioned to think. But may we all try our best to break the stereotypes we were taught, whether it be age, ethnicity, class or anything else.

My stories have an emphasizes on age, you might have noticed. And age, I will emphasize again with yet another anecdote.

I give the 7 year old credit. During a solitary day, I take a walk in the park and enjoy a breeze on the swing. Once, a 7 year old, very out-going young girl approaches me. As we all do, I zone out half the time I'm listening to her ramble. But I would try to give this girl my utmost attention because the belief is that all intelligent human beings have the ability to observe and process. And regardless of the stage in life, the environment, etc., every has this sofisticated... mechanism. The only difference, however, is the fact this girl has not yet learned to express in words what she observes.

A Semi-Semi-Sweet Sixteen

"Omar's Spot" was what we called the corner behind Vons and the end of the street where Omar lived. Very suburban neighbor with lines of 2-story houses and unsuspected place for drug-dealing. But people came and went in cars or by foot. That's where the lot of us kicked it.

Tyson didn't smoke weed the whole day on my sixteenth. He had a fever from previous rolling and it was nearly the end of the year and the end of the first semester in highschool. David and I walked together to Tyson's where we met up with him and Sam at the foot of his flat. David was falling for this girl, who was a friend of mine: also a new girl from the east coast who had also joined us at Nocturnal.

"So, what do you want to do?" asked Sam. He had two white rabbits on him.
"I want to drink," I said with sobriety in mind. "It's cold..."

Tyson began to slip off his jacket, but I stopped him because he was sick.

"I'd go get another jacket, but their all in the laundry."

Sam took off his and put it on me. And Tyson turned with a glare of jealousy. I noticed this and though I'm not a girl who likes to play games, this pleased me. It meant something to me. We were soon joined by 2 other girls who were also Omar's customers. Tyson put a bottle of scotch in his bag and we drove to the cliff where the 5 of us took a smoke and sniff of air as Trisha (one of the girls; asian, thick, heavy make-up, filthy rich and sexy attire), went to get her car.

"Do you want to sit in the car with me?" asked Tyson. Of course I did and we spit 2 cars, heading off to the UCI spot. Ate and headed back to Omar's spot.

It was only starting to get dark as Pauline (Chinese girl, tall, non-smoker, roller in one of my classes), Scotty (Asian, prob. Korean, skinny), and Ryan (Japanese guy who I get to know better later on) joined us for smokes, talks and trance in one car, hiphop in the other. Two white guys came to the corner and took a seat on one of the benches (the trademark of Omar's Spot) with a few beers. Tyson took me to them and introduced me

"Ey, how you guys doing? This is my friend Sigourney."
"Nice to meet you, Sigourney," the two of them muttered.
"Ey, can I get some of what you guys are drinking?" asked Tyson.
"Sure."
"Can she get some, too?"
"Yeah, sure."

Another car rolled by, parked and three guys came out.

"Ey, Javid!" called Tyson. "Meet my friend, Sigourney."

He introduced me to Javid (persian guy and Omar's connect), Joe (slavic guy; the one who got Tyson hooked on weed) and Kyle (white guy as in American who dresses like a black guy). A girl ought to take pride when someone so excitedly introduces her to everyone he knows. Something I didn't learn to appreciate until later on. Joe was a really 'happy' guy who went and guy-hugged (you know, hand grab and pulls each other together, bump and end) Tyson when he saw him.

"Ey, remember last week when we blazed, fool? And I started fucking with, what was it? that shopping cart?" asked Tyson. They all laughed.
"Damn fuck, Tyson. You're always fucked when you get high. Remember last time you started laughing at Brandon's stool for four hours? Hahahaha! You glad I got you off baseball?" That was Joe.
"Ey, this is my friend, Sigourney. It's her sixteenth birthday today."
"Oh shit, is it?" said Joe. "Ey, everybody! It's this girl's birthday today. We have to sing happy birthday to her."

The three guys and Joe sang the song to me in front of Javid's car on the street by Omar's spot. David was dancing in the moonlight by Trisha's car which had loud electronica (Great song for you guys: Yeah Yeah (D. ramirez mix) by Bodyrocks. and fast forward to 1:30) blasting from the sound system. Sam and Trisha were talking about how retarded he looked. I blushed and put my hand down with a smile because it felt so embarrassing and yet so sweet. And I thanked Joe for the song.

Tyson, Trisha, Pauline and I went to Omar's garage, while the others blazed on, where we found Omar and Mahed lounging. The place was mellow; sofas, persian rugs on the wall and the floor, hookah pipes and a plasma TV. They were waiting for a new-market ketamine to hit. Omar shuffled around, took out a few cups and a shoe box which had a bottle of Jack Daniels hidden in it. He asked me if I wanted coke to dilute, but I said no. All of us took a few rounds before we were joined by the rest and a few others. Pauline and Ryan left for another party and came back and said there was really good wine and opium. After shots of whiskey, I was shooting Tyson's scotch, which he had to take away from me. People came in to chill and then went back out to smoke joints and came back in.

The place was getting empty with only a few couples left and Mahed flipping channels. Tyson and I didn't talk much. We held each other for a while then let go. It was strange because, when I was rolling, I was ready to tell Tyson my whole life. On the night of my sixteenth, I was uptight and forgot how to act again. Even doused in alcohol, my brain couldn't collect and recklessly express what it felt.

I woke up to Trisha's tapping and she took me home. Tyson had gone out to smoke a joint with Joe 10 minutes before and left.

Tyson My Tiger (Age 15 Madness)

Junior year was to begin in my third highschool. This time in Orange County, California (<--New $$$... as compared to Manhattan <-- Old $$$ if you get my flow). I had my own apartment like my freshman year in San Francisco, but with no caretaker. Just roommates. The expression on all my teenage acquaintances and friends denoted a sense of admiration or jealousy. But what they didn't understand was how painful it was for me to be taken out time after time of my life.

In the midst of the ending summer heat and mental chaos I was in, I had to get away from it all. At least for a few hours. Though most of my things have been moved to OC home, I still had my bedroom in my father's house in Los Angeles where they are settled where I sat in between white-washed walls.

A Little Story...

Nocturnal Wonderland held in San Bernardino, CA: massive, festival ground with around 7 indoor venues. My second rave on the same grounds; the first being EDC held a few months ago.

It was 10 pm when we arrived and the night was still... very young. Most of you may notice this, but live music is so much different from even the best soundsystem playing at home. My friends are close, but as with a lot of good and close friends of mine, our interest lies miles apart. These friends I will talk more about later. It so happens, as it does in these events, that we drift apart being a large group anyways. And also, it so happens that you often see people you see on the streets, hotspots around the city during other times in the year.

So as I drifted across the masses often feeling a hand around my ass or shoulder. It was Ok since it was all P.L.U.R. (peace, love unity and respect). And as I squeezed passed a group of people, a guy grabs my shoulder, takes my hand and leaves a pill inside it. "Hey, try this." I popped it without looking at it or thinking, downing some 3 dollar water as I walked on. Curious what was going to happen, a bit with regret and fear (you obviously shouldn't ever do this), I browsed around cellphone in hand.

Against the edge of the grass, I saw the guy volunteering at my highschool orientation, which I attended a week ago. He was taking ID photos and this was how I remembered him because he said that my smile was nice.

"I saw you at the highschool orientation," I said.
"Yeah, I remember you. Sigourney yeah?"
"Didn't think people from that highschool would come here."
"Haha, cus everyone in X highschool (one of the most prestiguous highschools in Cali) are all like nice and goody? Nah, there's the lot of us."
"Why are you sitting here alone?"
"Waiting for this hot girl in a red bikini to come back. She said she had to use the bathroom told me to wait for her here."
"...Right."
"You rolling?"
"Not sure... Are you?"
"Yeah. haha."
"Can't tell at all."
"That's a good thing. I don't think she's coming back. Where are your friends? I want to meet them."

We moved hand-in-hand amongst the crowd until I found 3 from my group watching the fire tossing on stage on festive ground. David Kim (his name) disappeared for a moment and came back and we dragged ourselves to another group.

"This is a new girl going to our school."
"Oh cool, where you coming from?" Said another Korean guy who had been giving a lightshow to someone else on the ground.
"From NYC."
"Tight, you're going to hate it here. But we'll be around. I'm Sam. And this is Tyson," he said pointing to the guy on the ground. "Did you drop?"
Another guy situated me on the ground next to Tyson and using his glowstick, scanned my eyes.
"Dude, look at her eyes. She's rolling."
This guy took my hand and led me to another section with seats and rails and carried me across the rail where the rest of their group sat.
"I'm Mahed," he said. "Do you not like any of us here?"
"No, you guys are cool," I said.
The guy sitting on the other side me had eyes that were rolling into the back of his head.
"Ey, you having a good time?"
"Not sure yet."
Sam adhered,"What pill did you drop? You look pretty fucked up."
"I don't know, I didn't look at it."
"Haha! What? You know you're not suppose to do that. Anyways, you can trust us. We have the real stuff."
"I want to try the real stuff," I said.
"Man you should've found us earlier. I'll see what I can do."
Sam went and talked to some people sitting in the corner, kept looking back, a bit agitated and came back. A small yellowish pill was in the palm and he handed it to me stealthily.
"Take this."
I took it.
"We'll take care of you," said Sam.
"I'll take care of you," said Tyson.
"Ok, its past 12 and we have another 4 hours. We have to decide what to do," said Sam as the four of us crouched in a square. He looked at me, " Do you want to go to the dancefloor?"
"No, I'm tired."
"You won't be in a while."
"You thirsty?" Tyson asked me.
"Yeah." Was out of water.
"Lets go get water." He took my hand and we slid from the grass to the nearest booth.
He talked to basically every person who brushed against us. Where you from? Oh, cool. I'm from the OC. You rolling? I am. Got a cigarette? Thanks, have a good night.

We got a few lightshows before the ecstasy even hit me and we talked. Tyson was from New Jersey and moved to the OC in the beginning of highschool. He was half Japanese and half Malaysian. His father was always away in Japan and he lived alone with his mother. His older brothers went to the top UCs.

As we walked, supporting each other's weight, I spotted my ride; a close friend of mine at the time. That was the moment the E took hold of me and I staggered with a smile as I reached for him. Fell ontop of him.

"Sig, what the fuck did you take?" Ardy asked.

I tried to answer him, but said something unintelligable instead. Then the lights blinked and suddenly was out and I fell over. I saw other acquaintances as I fell, which caused a stream of rumors for me later on ("She fell on her face at Noc") In that second, I prayed to God and said I wasn't ready to die. Next thing I knew was that I had been pulled against the closest wall where a girl going to my new highschool fed me water. Water which tasted so heavenly and I sucked hard at the bottle that she pulled away from me. You know, so I wouldn't drown myself. She petted me and said I was going to be fine. Sam came into vision though it was blurred, but I could clearly see his blinking lights. Green, white and red. He was smiling and he told me to think happy thoughts. I told myself to think happy thoughts. And I thought of EDC. The previous rave with carnival rides.

Tyson laid next to me. Ardy on the other side. I smoothed my head on Ardy's shoulder and said told him he was the only real friend I ever had in my life. I told him that I loved him with all my heart. It was true then. I told him that we were going to stay friends for the rest of our lives. I asked him if he agreed. And he said he did.

My body felt like a numb vegetable. I couldn't move on my own, but I smoothed my entire body on any surface available. I kicked against the grass and I rubbed against the wall and I messaged Ardy's hand and shoulder.

I turned to Tyson and thanked him for taking care of me as Sam gave the both of us a lightshow which I didn't see because my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I told Tyson that I felt very lonely and I was afraid that I was going to be lonely for the rest of my life. Tyson said he understood because he felt the same way when he moved from NJ. Tyson said that we found each other and it was meant to be. He said he won't let me feel lonely for a day in my life again. I had told him I don't want this synthetic happiness all the time. We planned to work out together, to kick it together, to eat and sleep together. He was going to quit smoking weed.

Early Adventures (Age 13)

As most know, the vast city of Los Angeles has a residence who are very rich to residence who are very poor. An obscene degree. Rich neighborhoods such as Brentwood are surrounded by poor neighborhoods such as East L.A. Same with sections in Hollywood. Most foreign (Europeans and Asians) visitors who have acquainted themselves with me have shown disapproval about the difference between lower class and higher class in this city.

I went to a public middle school in Santa Monica, another place with a variety of people. There, I gained friendship from a group of Russians and a few others. My Russian girl friend, Svetlana's (whom we call Vetty) mother apparently had married her way to the states. Due to unknown circumstances however, the family, which included Vetty, her sister who is Nina, and the mother moved to east L.A. on their own and shared a shafty one-room apartment. The neighborhood where they resided was dirty, poor and dangerous filled with gangsters, shady businesses and immigrants.

Moving on...

Being a wannabe teenage rebel who enjoyed escaping the rigidity of home-life, I spent many of nights sleeping on the couch of Vetty's small living room. Vetty's boyfriend, Christopher was a half-Mexican felon 4 years her senior who lived 3 houses away. He was living with his aunt and her husband, both white.
And there we spent, in the alley behind the row of apartments spontaneously for a year or so with Chris, his friend Xavier (a eccentric guy with a mohawk and 20+ piercings and tattooes; age 16) and the uncle whom we called James, slipping beer, vodka and frolicking. All in our black attire with slits on our wrists and the leisure to wonder what happiness was.

I can remember everything during that period of time pretty well.

Los Angeles weather is heavenly, but the summer still stimulated sweat and heat. It was summer and Vet and I sat in our shorts and spagetti tanks waiting for our alcohol. Though we played with the big kids, we never had the nerve to drink until our brains were delirious. "Neyney, if I were ever to try weed and get addicted, I want you to get me help no matter how much I try to stop you," Vetty had said to me that summer. Vetty wasn't perfect, she had a lot of flaws, but I watched through her breakups, her get back together with the kid (and I call him a kid regardless of his age because he never took responsibility for the things he did and I couldn't give a fuck about what has happened to him) who cheated and cheats on her in front of her, with her friends and told her so.

And it was the summer when James' small apartment was filled with a group of obnoxious people feeding each other alcohol, snorting and injecting and smoking and the sex orgies. I want to know what the world is about. I want to know reality and I want to be part of what is was about. I wanted my walls of ignorance to be thrown down. And perhaps that was the reason why I put myself through those days.

Vetty had gone outside with Chris, so I took a seat next to James, the only familiar person left who sat on the couch. His legs sprawed out as he threw back his head and let out a stream of smoke from his mouth. He saw me and offered a drink which I took. And another. And another. I wanted it to take the anxiety away. My face was burning away and heard James laugh as he poured another shot of vodka into my cup. Straight vodka. I sidled closer to James as he threw his arm across the couch and across my shoulder. It seemed the right thing to do at the time.

I remember whispering about some things I can't recall now to James. The rest of the time remains a blur. I remember James kissing me. I remember thinking about how the room kind of moved on its own and how I tried to rap along to Eminem's "Sing for the Moment". I remember some lucidity and how I was in another room now. How it was quieter and I remember James' breathing. And I remember being very weak and very tired. I remember how I knew what was happening to me and how I tried to fight it off and I guess it was all a blur because I woke up feeling sore and wondered as my body laid, still half-bare and bloody.

Didn't know if I should hate or thank him for what happened because... it was true. I was curious, I knew that in my heart I was curious. And why would I be there if I wasn't searching for something? Don't know whether to hate him or thank him for taking away a burden? Yet, I didn't know anything and the difference in the morning was sparce compared to the morning before I didn't understand the difference.

But I left that world to live in a different part of the world for the rest of the two months of my dearest summer. And never said good-bye to Vetty.

My Introduction

There are many of us in this world. Perhaps too many in certain places, perhaps too few in others. You have seen us in our galore attire amoung many others who array similar attire. It is how we set ourselves apart from the boring mass who actually put first things first. Regardless of your opinion on us, we are what we are. And I'm sure our lives prove far more intriguing than those who choose not to explore.

I am the ace, the all-out partyanimal, the person who is afraid of too little and these are the stories my adventures. The stories of my roller coaster, I promise, won't disappoint you.

We'll start from the beginning.
Skipping the influences of my adolescent years, I go right to the beginning of the teenager. As I come to the end of my teenage years, I'd like to look back at a life lived at the fullest and that is one filled with wasteful nights, encounters with "important" people and a lot of synthetic joy. Playing with the toys of a 21 year old since the age of 13, I'm already yawning by the bar table. And that was exactly what I had yearned to achieve.

Remember back in the days when you got excited over going to the shopping center with your girl friends? Getting all eager about taking pictures at the photobooth and then having brunch at the buffet?

As a matter of fact, lets go even a little further when you were so enthusiastic about having a beer with a friend, talking about it for weeks, making sure your every weekend was occupied by something similar. A house party thrown by your local beaner. Remember those days?

I remember as a struggling teenager who stumbled piteously to find a niche, how I put my sights so short and low. How many standards faltered as they tried to assemble themselves. I remember how easily I was amused and how sadly I put myself through torture to attend and abide to what I saw myself as. To what I thought was the top in a small world. The chinese called it "jing di zhe wa". Or the frog in the bottom of a well.